If you don't go to Chicago and you just go to a place where Chicago is, did you really even go?

 POP POP!

GOOD AFTERNOON DAN CLAN

 

    Right now I'm sitting in Garza's class waiting for inspiration to strike. She just asked the class if we knew what vinyls are. I don't even know what to say about that. EDIT: After class I got Garza to laugh at my jokes. She loves a good jab at Nixon.

 

    This post was gonna be about Rylee and I going to Chicago and all of the insane people at the Oakbrook Mall but Ashley has pissed me off once again. Last week Ashley gives her final project proposal and you all know me as a feminist, right? So you know that when a woman is talking... I listen. I work for hours on my single slide for the presentation and she doesn't even bother to show up. To be fair, the less people that see my presentation the better because I had no idea what I was doing. 

    Back to the ham of the sandwich, Rylee and I planned on going to Chicago but we actually never stepped foot in the city limits. Our first stop was Johnnies and I've never seen a girl put down a beef that fast, what a woman. Rylee didn't know what giardiniera was which is one of life's greatest shames, but I guess it's a Chicago thing. Yeah I'm a real Chi-Town geezer. She really liked it though. I had such a craving for it I had to go down to Potbelly and buy a jar.

 

    Rylee met my parents and my old and sick dog. My dad was just talking about how hungry he was on the plane. Every time I leave my dog I have to take a picture with him because I never know when he's going to die. This has been going on for 3 years. I used to wonder who would go first, the dog, or my dad. Now my dad is on Ozempic and he seems like he's got another 20 years in him. He looks mad healthy.

 

    Then we went to Oakbrook mall and that place is living hell on a sunny day. There were all these girls who couldn't have been older than ten stomping their way through the mall just tearing through any crowd and clothing rack to get to their next store. That shit terrifies me. They have their Starbucks in hand are absolutely buzzing off their frappuccino. Right behind them is their 31-year-old Lululemon wearing mom ready to swipe their card on any transaction. Truly a mind-boggling and horrifying sight. Rylee was about to body slam one of them but she held back. Also, I got three shirts from Champs for like 25 dollars and I really like them. Trying to pull away from graphic tees.

(Side note, If I am in a class discussion, you will never hear me say the word piggyback. How do you not feel stupid saying that?)

 

    Then Rylee and I went to Taco Pros. Its my favorite place to get a burrito mostly because their salsa verde is so good. They like blend it and its so creamy. Best salsa verde hands down. Everything else is good but not mind blowing. I felt a little bad because Rylee's mind was blown by Johnnie's but this place isn't like the pinnacle of what Chicago has to offer. Next time Rylee, we're going to Gene and Jude's and you're gonna eat like three hot dogs, and a large orange drink.

 

    Yesterday I met Rylee's family and I think they fucked with me. I also drank like three beers at dinner which isn't exactly what I imagined but hey her mom told us to order the bucket of Coors Banquet. I got my jokes in I tried to be an upstanding young man. Her grandpa said that I was exactly that and said he was really happy I was dating her. Rylee said he's never said anything like that about one of her boyfriends so am I the goat? lmk huskies.

 

Feeling: Goated 🐐

 

 

     

A Seething, Burning Rage

 POP POP

 

    Right now Rylee is writing her blog and I'm humble enough to admit, I got jealous of how much fun she was having. So I decided to out blog her ass down the block and back. I don't know if Rylee really grasps the concept of blocks or like sidewalks because she grew up on a farm. I'm honestly surprised she knows how to read but miracles happen every day. She says this one is her best posts yet. But even the tastiest shit is still a turd. Also Rylee totally dropped my expensive cards all over my stairs. And there's like a big hole in my apartment building so they fell on every single floor. We eventually picked them all up. I'm actually not mad about this and I don't have the energy to pretend to be mad either so this is probably the last you hear of this. She bought me a **** and a cherry coke to make up for it. Honestly I came out of that one on top.

 

Now for me to get to the seething burning rage. King Colleen is on her bullshit again. So apparently everybody gets to make a joke about stats except me. Katelyn says she got a C in stats. Everybody laughed. HAHAHA SO FUNNY. ( No hate on Katelyn it just seems like everybody was in a laughing mood until Dan came along.) Colleen gets a couple licks in. I say "now talk about some P values." I thought it was a funny little add, but hey what do I know, I only have the most popular blog on campus. But then Colleen said "how about you get up here and talk about P-Values Dan?" Like chill bro I am just trying to have some fun at 9:30 a.m but I guess we should just let everybody hate your class. Sorry for bringing joy into the world I guess we should all be as miserable as you. Rylee said she saw her texts one time and the only conversation she had was a group chat with her parents. Very sad but makes sense if she just stomps out any glimmer of fun that comes her way.

 

Yesterday, Sofia and I went to Circle K for a little pick me up. We both got our usual, a diet coke polar pop for her and a 12 oz Red Bull and a Randy Savage Slim Jim for me. Maybe you could tell from my Lunchables rant but I have a deep love for ultra-processed meats. I just think its how god intended food to be. Fuck Jacks Links though those things suck. Slim Jim really holds it down in the meat stick department. I don't know why they offer a mild version though because Slim Jims aren't like spicy so really they just take all the flavor out of them. Sofia also decided to pick up the new Peanut Butter and Jelly M&Ms and let me tell you that shit is disgusting. I almost threw up. I'll keep it to an easy read for everyone today and leave it there. But last night Ashley finally decided to come to Legends with us and she got super wasted and spilled all her tea. If you guys want I'll expose her and her deplorable habits in my next post.

 

Feeling: Perturbed 😟

A Battle of the Ages

 POP POP

 

    I'm back Daniel fans,

 

    Looking for an affectionate term to refer to my small but devoted fan base. Daniel Nation? Danators? Little Dansters? Not a lot of things rhyme with Dan so I'm really grasping at straws.

 

Anyway, into the thick of it. It has come to my attention that we are a nation divided. Not by race, class, creed, or political views; we are divided by what we choose to ingest. This brings me to today's main topic, Lunchables.  I was having a friendly conversation with Rylee when she told me something that completely changed my perception of her. She said that the best Lunchables were either the pizza ones or the nacho ones. I would not blame you Brananders if you stopped reading now out of disgust.

 

    Lets address my main point first. Lunchables are bought and served cold. How could you possibly say the best option for a cold meal is pizza or nachos, the two premiere hot foods. Now I could hear an argument for pizza, but the nachos are completely out of the question. Its not even close to a meal. Its just shitty chips, cold cheese and like a snickers bar or something? You know what I don't even know let me do some quick sleuthing and come back. Okay so it also has some salsa, a Kit Kat and a fruit punch Capri Sun. If were being honest I think everyone is just coming back for the Capri Sun and the Kit Kat. I think I vaguely remember seeing somebody mixing the salsa with the nacho cheese and going at it. Fucking vile man. I bet they probably dip the Kit Kat in that mess, a bunch of freak nacho eaters. Back to the pizza, I understand that people eat pizza cold and even prefer it, but they don't eat the pizza completely fucking raw. Just bread with pizza sauce on it and fucking cold shredded cheese. You have to be at a low point in life to think that even resembles food. I remember I had the pizza Lunchable during my break at target because it seems like it has a significant following and I got fucking cheated. Completely wasted my break on that and I only ate the pepperoni because I'm not a dog that will eat anything sprayed with pork scent that put in front of me. The pizza one comes with a mystery Air Head and a Pacific Cooler Capri Sun. Now I won't lie those are some pretty fire supplemental items, but it doesn't mean anything if the meal to go along with it is absolute shit. Some of you may not be surprised that Ms. Gilbert shared Rylee's point of view. Now in Ashley's defense, she is vegetarian and can't really have any of the other options Lunchables has to offer. But also, I don't think Ashley has a single brain cell left and can suck on a fucking lemon if she feels that way.

 

Now some of you may be wondering, "Dan you seem so wise on this subject, I would love to have your ideas guide me in my next Lunchable purchase." To that I would say, what a wise individual you are yourself for seeking out my advice, and also of course it's the ham and cheese Lunchable. Absolutely elite lineup of items. Very tasty ham, perfectly salty. A succulent, buttery Ritz cracker, honestly some very mediocre cheese, but it is all tied together by a yummy Chips Ahoy cookie and a fruit punch Capri Sun. So fucking good. If that shit came with a Reese's cup and a Pacific Cooler it would be game over.

I'm not even going to touch Lunchly I think that shit would kill a toddler.

 There will be a future blog post soon because the three dumbest people in the Journalism department are talking about the Vietnam War right now. Stay tuned for more Little Daniels. Also Rylee dropped my cards down 3 flights of stairs the other day so that will be included in good time.

 

PLEASE COMMENT YOUR OPINIONS ON THE GREAT LUNCHABLE DEBOCLE

 

Feeling: Frustrated 😤

 

P.S Mira's mom I'm sorry if you did not appreciate my previous comment. I hate to Ostracize any Daniel Heads

Daniel's Week in Review

 POP POP!

    Dear Blog,

    Oh where to begin. Really if you are curious my woes all started yesterday at about 11:45 a.m. Now before I dive in, I just want to say a few things. You guys think I have kind eyes right? If you saw me on the street you'd probably think to yourself, "What a young, kind, handsome, young, upstanding, handsome, young man." Apparently some people are born with malice in their heart, who am I to judge? Anyway, I was sitting at the front of the bus to class yesterday morning and there were two open seats next to me. Tell me why this guy gets on at the next stop, walks PAST THE TWO OPEN SEATS NEXT TO ME, and sits in a seat directly next to someone else. They weren't like a weirdo, the person they sat next to wasn't their friend. There must be something just SO UNBEARABLE about the idea of sitting next to me. Whatever, your loss pal. 

 

Hey everybody, 

 

Started writing this a week ago but it all got away from me. Don't worry I still remember my key interactions word for word and I will graciously share my experiences with you now. And to Mira's mom, how you doin?

 

Now I am usually one to start stories where they begin but Ashley just walked into class 7 minutes late, not a care in the world. Last I checked Ashley the planets revolve around the sun, not your sorry Galileo ass. What a piece of work.

 

Anyway the big event of last week was me telling off this absolute tool in the journalism department. His name is Jacob. Maybe you know him from absolutely fucking up the UI7 sports cast, or maybe just from being a huge tool in any class you've ever had with me. The next portion of this blog will be written in dialogue. The scene is set with me walking into my 12 p.m business journalism class. The characters are me, Layli, and Jacob A.K.A Toolbag.

 

D: Hey Layli, what's the big idea 

L: Vhat?

D: What's the big idea?

L: Vhat do you mean?

D: You know like whats up?

L: Oh nothing

J/T: That's not what that phrase means

D: What?

J/T: Whats the big idea doesn't mean whats up it means whats the problem

D: Oh well you know sometimes you have to have fun with the English language 

(Let the record show that I let this one slide, he could have got off easy)

J/T: Yeah I guess but you also have to use phrases correctly...

DID I HEAR YOU MUMBLE SOMETHING PLAYA?

 

D: Are you like this all the time?

J/T: Yeah I pretty much am (Smug emoji)

D: Damn, that is too bad!

 (30 seconds later)

J/T:  I'm not like this all the time

 After that I just started ignoring him 

 Fuck that guy somebody needed to tell him off.

 

Now we are getting closer to the modern era.

 

Tuesday we got absolutely wrecked in our volleyball game, don't really want to talk about that but we had fun. On Wednesday me and Rylee had our famous legends evening. Maggie joined us the absolute sweetheart. Ms. Ashley told us she so busy and she had laundry on her bed that she had to fold. Like its not my fault you're a lazy piece of shit come have a beer with us. But whatever we don't need Ashley right. Well we pull up to Legends and who do we see shooting the fucking breeze outside but Ashley Delouise Gilbert. Ain't you got laundry or sum? Then she proceeds to insist that she's actually very busy but I've seen her google calendar, completely clear Wednesday at 8:30. 

 

Okay okay it has come to my attention that maybe I treat Ashley too harshly. The truth is Ashley is a good friend of mine and a very nice person. People would be lucky to know her. That doesn't mean I am going to delete all the stuff I just wrote because I will not cheat the reader out of some juicy fabricated blog beef. But Ashley if you've made it this far just know we do not have beef but I really would like you to come out with us more because you are fun to talk to. 

 

I do have more blogging content but this one has become pretty long. Stay tuned for the great Lunchable debate. I am also heavily consider a mail in section of my blog where I answer the burning questions of my viewers. Please let me know if you would mail in.

 

Feeling: Untouchable 👑